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Season's Greetings

Merry Christmas, everyone!

What Gets Me Through It

If there is anything that will never fail to excite me, it is the following:
1) a fabulous new pair of shoes
2) an unexpected compliment
3) procative young people who not only have great ideas but know how to make them a reality

What do these three have in common? They provide motivation and hope for the future. New shoes will inspire that extra boost of confidence and the promise of something new. Compliments are positive reinforcement that not only are you doing something well, but someone else notices. (And, let's be honest: Making it is all about getting people to notice you.) Proactives share passion in bettering themselves, each other, and the world around them.

As long as great minds collaborate, there is no stopping the creativity and innovation that will get them to the top. (And if you're doing that, you better wear the shoes and look the part.)



For the record, being at home with no schedule has affected my emotional health. The CW's Stylista pulled me out of my funk today, and I can't wait to get back to my life in LA. But for now, I will be working on mini-projects at home... First: unpacking. Yes, I've been home for a week, and my room still looks like I just came back from Italy.

Interning 101: Third Times the Charm

Life Lesson #93285:
When interning at a fashion magazine and working with designer clothing, shoes, and accessories, it is a fabulous idea to: a) trim fingernails completely, b) bring a nail file to work, and c) keep nails painted to hide the damage.

I don't think I've broken nails as frequently as I have in the past two weeks.

My Initial Reaction...

Photo Credit: PostSecret.com

...to this post was not that it was about a significant other, but significant otherS. I am so blessed with amazing friends. I know I've been telling you repeatedly how important you are to me. I just don't think you can ever say "I love you" enough times when it comes to the people who you can completely trust to accept you unconditionally and get you through the hardest times in your life. Fab Five/Fab Guys, "you keep me young. Oh, I love ya so much." (Mean Girls)

We are a part of history.

Photo Credit: PostSecret.com

Go With the Flow

Don't fight the current. Go with the downstream path. If it feels wrong, don't fight it. If it feels good, go with it. -Patrice Karst

I've had a lot of "Everything happens for a reason" realizations recently. I really do think 2008 has been my year. Things seem to be going my way. I've learned a lot. I've found myself happier and more carefree than I have ever been. I know how to choose positivity. Plus, good things are happening in most parts of my life. I feel closer to people. I know what I'm doing in terms of school and work. I don't know exactly where I'm going, but it feels okay.

Now I'm wondering if the one thing that doesn't feel right is not necessarily part of the "good things in my life that will eventually happen when the time is right." Perhaps it's a test. I've come this far; will I let one thing completely turn over everything I've worked for?

I asked for a sign, and today I got one. I don't know what will happen after May 2009, but I'm putting the outcome in the hands of fate. Maybe playing it safe was always my weakness. Maybe I should stop setting limits.. Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars. :)

Two More Days...

Photo Credit: PostSecret.com

Never Settle

Photo Credit: PostSecret.com

It's Raining in LA...

Your subconscious mind is bringing up strange and interesting ideas today. If you are a musician or artist it is a good day for kicking back and doing what you do best. You will be positively inspired right now, and your creativity is likely to get noticed.

As expected, this past week was one of the most tiring thus far. From now until finals week, I will be working 24 hours a week and only be getting paid for 4 of those hours. You would think with that, school, extracurriculars, and a hint at a social life, I'd be too burnt out to worry about other little things. But during that one hour that I keep for myself to relax and get ready for bed, my mind inevitably wanders.

My graduation pictures arrived at my house a couple days ago. Wearing that black cap and gown, even for five minutes, was weirder than I imagined. I can't believe I'm graduating in a few months. (Then again, I still can't believe I'm 21.)

I was always nervous to venture off campus and find a job in "real LA." Yet I think doing so and moving to an apartment away from school made the difference. I can finally see myself living and working here which, if you know me at all, is a complete turn from freshmen year. For a couple weeks in September, I was stressing myself out over graduation and what to do after college. I think since then I've tried to step back and just enjoy things. If you look back at any part of your life, I think you can agree that things move more quickly than we'd like them to. Unfortunately, we can't control time, so the best we can do is go along with the ride. And, as we all know, only our actions in the present determine what will happen in our future. As long as I feel like every thing I do (from school to work to going out with friends to enjoying a movie) is purposeful, I guess I have nothing to worry about.

I find myself making time to see people every week. I randomly text or e-mail my friends from home just because I'm thinking about them. I miss my family more, and when I was home in October I spent more time with them than usual. But if you haven't heard from me in a while, it's probably because I haven't heard from you either. So call.

It's November. Every weekend from now until Christmas break will be full of activities to balance out the daily grand that has become my life as a senior. Next week, formal. The week after that, our other sister visits. The week after that, LAS VEGAS... for my first legal trip there and a much needed vacation. Then, my week long celebration of Thanksgiving at HOME. Then the weekend before finals. And finally I can begin my Christmas festivities. And then in four months, I graduate from college....

Can You Please Spell Gabbana? / Life Comes at You Fast

Caller: Vanessa, please.
Me: May I ask who's calling?
Caller: Sean from DNG.
Me: Will she know what this is regarding?
Caller: Yes.
Me: And you said you're from DNG?
Caller: Yes, like Dolce and Gabbana...

This morning after I got ready for my day, left my apartment, got into my car, and made the drive toward campus for the thousandth time, the following raced through my head: "I do this every day. I feel like this is one sure thing. You can't be sure of anything."

Every single day of my life for the last two weeks has been completely different, logistically, emotionally, etc. My first semester has really tested my ability to adapt to change, and until now I think I've been succeeding. For the first time this year, academics was probably last on my list of priorities. I've added commitments that basically ensure weekends provide my only free time (if even then). When I've seen my friends, my mind is so consumed with thoughts of other things that I can barely carry on interesting conversations. And I re-acquired my talent for bitching about unimportant things.

It's baffling how one quick motion can put you completely off balance. But I guess I'm lucky I noticed it well in advance of it ruining my second-to-the-last semester of college. This week, I'm forcing myself to take charge. When I make it to next Sunday with all commitments successfully completed, then I can decide what I really have time for.

Oh, and if you haven't visited PostSecret.com this week, stop what you are doing and click immediately. The new ones are thought-provoking, to say the very least.

I Miss My Girls

Photo Credit: PostSecret.com

I miss my Fab Five. Counting down to Thanksgiving weekend...

The Problem with Labels... and Perspective

Photo Credit: Sex and the Ivy

"What people forget with labels is that they fail to capture the uniqueness of individual relationships."
Read the full entry at Sex and the Ivy

My friend Lara sent me a blog entry written by a Harvard student about the pressure of her friends and society at large to label her personal relationship. Today I had a conversation with a friend from home about the inability to label friendships.. as well as the impossibility to fully understand any relationship from the outside. Yet, towards the end of the summer, I was having several conversations with friends about the problems in their relationships with significant others. And I was offering my opinions as if I could predict the outcome of future actions. I do believe in the uniqueness of each relationship. However, I also believe in the truth of the human experience. As I've said before, we are unique in our combination of experiences and history. But not one of our qualities is completely original. When something goes wrong in a relationship (or even when something goes right, perhaps according to societal standards), friends generally take the 'I saw that coming' stance. Often, friends see the problems more clearly than the person in the relationship. Then again, relationships outlast fights and frustrations and overcome outside opinion and obstacles. So my question is... Who really sees relationships more clearly? The couple? Or their friends?

Wake Up and Smell the Truth

Photo Credit: dpatterson.blogspot.com

As I was walking to class today, the school newspaper caught my attention. More correctly, something sticking out of the newspaper caused a double take on my part: a supplemental ad for Walmart.


I've been to Walmart once in my life, but I hear about the great prices. Blah blah blah. However, more frequently I hear about the protests against the corporation. Unfair wages. General abuse of employees. All kinds of issues against justice and rights. I do believe our university continually contradicts itself on the global issues it stands for.

1) People across the country stand against Walmart, yet my "progressive" campus allows newspaper sponsorship, we can assume, for the purpose of advertising money.

2) Social justice groups annually protest the unfair treatment of hotel employees at the Hilton LAX, yet Student Life approves the use of the hotel's facilities for another student group's formal.

3) A multi-year campaign for campus diversity ends with the following facts (And note that the term "diversity" has frequently been defended to include not only race and ethnicity, but socioeconomic background and hometown/out-of-area students):
-Every year admissions follows a pattern of 12% acceptance of certain racial groups.
-This year, 1/3 of the freshmen class is on financial aid, compared to the 3/4 of the graduating senior class who are.

4) Tons of people on campus promote environmental change, yet recycling is not exactly encouraged and definitely not enforced. Composting? I don't even think a fourth of the population knows what that is.


We shout SOCIAL JUSTICE! DIVERSITY! CHANGE! from the rooftops, yet fail to instill these values in all of our students. Many students are or become advocates for global issues, but far more graduate without educating their whole person. According to a member of the Jesuit community at Santa Clara University, this entails "an integrated humanism, faith and scholarly inquiry, and engagement with the world in pursuit of justice." As of now, our university is lucky if alumni exemplify one of these missions of growth.

Arrivederci, Summer Love!

Catherine,
Any doubt you had about your current position in life is put to rest as the Moon makes its way into a new Sign. You would add much to your credibility if you converted some old rivals into allies. Work hard to convince unlikely partners to go along with your ideas. Do not break anything that can't be fixed.

The last couple of days reconfirmed the blessings I have in my life. After the experiences I've had this year, I finally took a moment to look back and consider how they affected me. As I leave my favorite city again, I go with the knowledge that everything happens for a reason. Change is okay. And when I come back, some things may be different while others remain frozen in time until I'm ready to pick up where I left off. No amount of force on my part will keep anything the way it is if it is not meant to be. Therefore, I vow to stop trying to control what I cannot and let nature take its course.

I'm still unsure of who I am becoming, but for the first time I can enjoy life and simply live an adventure. Each day is a chance to change for the better, so why hold on to the past when the future is already brighter?

Last Weekend at Home

Catherine, When you're in this kind of great mood, the only person to whom you owe an explanation is yourself. It might not be what you want to hear, but you and a romantic partner may be more comfortable as friends. Don't try to continue a relationship if you are getting nothing out of it. Avoid blaming anyone today without hearing his or her side of the story.

I'm leaving home again in a few days, and I don't know if the move has ever been this bittersweet. I have so much to look forward to this semester, and I've actually moved my trip up a couple of days. (If you know me, you'll know that this is epic.) But the most eventful summer of my life is concluding. Soon everyone will be adopting a new daily routine once again, so I know we'll just have to put things on pause until we reunite. However, with my recent history I know that when I come back, things may not be the same yet again.

I hope this time is different.

Last Eleven Days of Summer

Catherine,
You suddenly have the power and the desire to make dreams come true, whether they're yours or someone else's. Work on improving your own image before you try to change someone else's. You are the most important person in your life right now. Someone may be trying hard to make you look bad.

This may be the only time in our lives when we are allowed to be self-centered. We are young. A lot of young people waste their years worrying about other people.. whether it is in a relationship, focusing on what others think of them, or obsessing over someone else's life. They become so engrossed in one thing that they cannot see clearly past to notice the opportunities awaiting.

We need to live unapologetically and stand for something. We need to learn the beauty of balance. We need to find our purpose and our personality without constantly comparing ourselves to others. We need to try new things, meet new people, and find passion without relying on others to make us happy. We need to break molds and believe that we are invincible as long as we're alive.

Our youth is short. The world might not be a better place once the opportunities pass us by.

Just Throwing It Out There...

Catherine,
Those who like being watched will just have to be satisfied with a distant audience right now. Problems in your personal life will continue to intensify unless you have a heart-to-heart talk with a loved one. You must stop avoiding the difficult issues. The two of you must try to spend more time together.

The Break-up in Pietrasanta

On the second night of our stay in Pietrasanta, my friends and I decided on a pizzeria near the main town square. (Pietrasanta is such a small town that we had walked the entire length of the commercial area and seen the menus of every restaurant possible.)

Halfway through dinner, we all became antsy for the nutella pizza dessert we pre-ordered. However, Tara turned our attention to a couple that was sitting at the table next to us. They were too far to hear but too close to look away.

The girl was looking intently at the guy who was concentrating on smoking his cigarette. She barely moved while he did not turn to face her once in the first ten minutes we watched them.

We came up with two possible scenarios:
A: She cheated on him, and she desperately wanted his forgiveness. Being disgusted with her infidelity, he could not bring himself to look at her.

B: He found a new woman. He wanted to end the relationship and move on to someone younger and less intense. He lost interest in this girl, but she would do anything to get him back. His mind fantasizing about his new squeeze, he could not bring himself to look at the pathetic girl in his presence.

For twenty minutes more, we saw their lips move. We saw her move in closer. He kept smoking cigarettes like he was alone on his Italian stoop. Neither of them seemed to interact with their waitress. At the end of their dinner, their lips pecked. His expression never changed. We fell in love with Nutella pizza.

To this day, that evening in Italia stands out to me. The number of people in our world astounds me. I constantly find myself writing a story in my mind about random people who catch my attention. I'm naturally curious about other people's lives. We encounter hundreds of strangers on a daily basis. I wonder how many people we leave an imprint on.

The Most Writing I've Done Since I Returned From Italy

Yesterday i saw a spider in my bathtub. Aware of the wax coating that prevents a spider to die from drowning, I proceeded to turn the water on full blast and force the asshole down the drain. 2 minutes after the water emptied, the spider had climbed up out of the drain once again. I repeated the act twice more before being over it. The spider looked half limp as the legs on one side of his body were flat against the tub. He was struggling to move. Perhaps his legs were sleeping. Since the water wouldn't kill him, I thought maybe heat would. I turned on my hair dryer and tried to blast the shit out of him. Then i realized i might've just helped in his recovery.

I left my bathroom. When I came back the same night, he was gone.

I'm afraid of retaliation. I tried to explain to the spider beforehand that I wasn't trying to kill him. I just wanted him to leave me alone. I'm not sure if he understood though. Now I sleep with one eye open.

I should've learned my lesson from the nursery rhyme.

Unexpectedly

Today was the first time I ventured off on my own. Surprisingly, I warmed up to it a lot more quickly than I imagined. It's interesting the amount of confidence and security you force upon yourself when you know you have no one to protect you at a given moment. Random people I encountered did not scare me, even if a couple creepers tried to talk to me. I also found myself tuning out the outside world and forgetting every useless thought that I might have had since I got here. I suppose it makes sense that to find inner peace you have to rid your mind of the outside noise, even if that includes good company. I will make a habit out of having my own time.

To recap the past weekend, a few girls on my program and I took a train to Venizia for a mini-visit to the famous city. On Sunday, several students on our program decided to cross the Arno River and hike up different hills to take pictures. People really need to make time to travel the world and see the sites photographed so often.. the places visitors try so desperately to recapture through movies, pictures, songs, and stories. Every experience attempts to be unique, but in reality we all see the same things. I took dozens of photos, and when I share them with people at home they will probably make positive comments. However, it probably is only special to me. To some people, photos are merely proof that someone once visited something worth seeing. To others, photos evoke memories of the moments that change their lives. I think what professional artists (photographers, writers, painters, etc.) strive to do is capture the moment and invite the audience to empathize so that they too can experience, without actually experiencing.

I still miss a lot of people and things from home, but I promise I am not homesick. I am enjoying my time away from the convenience of constant communication and transportation, but I am also counting down the days until I reunite with you and In-n-Out: only 29 days.

First Week in Florence

Catherine,
Higher education or philosophical contacts could have a part in making good things happen. This is the perfect time for you to appreciate the beauty that surrounds you. You have much more going for you than you may realize. An impulse buy you make today could pay off as an asset down the road.

Perfect introduction to my post... This isn't going to be terribly long, but just to catch people up on my life so far.

-Rome was amazing. I could not believe that I was standing amidst thousands of years of history and culture.
-Florence is more beautiful than I imagined. Immediately I felt a sense of comfort being here. I will have no problem living here for four more weeks. (Can you believe I only have that much time left?)
-I've had Italian food for every meal since I got here.. until Tuesday when I had McDonald's at the train station. Whoops!
-My apartment is really nice, airy, sunny, and inspiring. If you want to see pictures, message me.
-There are gypsies all over. Everyone has learned to take caution with them and the crazy rude men who try to holler on the streets.
-I had gelato for the first time last night. On the walk home as I was furiously trying to eat it while it melted all over my hand, I tripped on the street and fell on my ass. In front of everyone.
-Don't blame me. All the streets and sidewalks here are made of cobblestone. There are plenty of loose stones, and it was bound to happen to one of us. How did I know it would be me?
-A bird flew at my face one afternoon. Italian pigeons are vicious.
-I have 2 mosquito bites.
-It's scorching hot over here. I am only presentable in the morning.
-Did I forget to mention that I saw the Colisseum, the Sistine Chapel, and the Leaning Tower of Pisa?

I miss boba. I miss my laptop. I miss all of you lovelies at home. Keep messaging me..

I Took No Pictures Today

Catherine,
Romance and other things that tug at the heart strings come your way as a new cycle begins. Disputes could escalate today unless you make a concerted effort to avoid them.

It is weird how scarily accurate my horoscopes have been... It sounds promising enough. My journey to Italy begins in less than four hours. I am nervous/scared/excited. I know no Italian. I know nothing about the area. I know that I've underplanned, but I hope that does not take away from the experience.

The last two weeks have made me more weary about leaving. I miss everyone already, and I do not know how I will get through that time without speaking to my friends regularly.

In less than four hours, I will be without my phone for six weeks... Wish me luck. No doubt I'll need it.

Leavin'... Never to Come Back Again

Catherine,
Fondness and appreciation for the past and for your roots in life take on greater importance for you now. Home and family matters will require special attention. Extra time spent with those who mean the most to you will lead to tremendous satisfaction. Your family's personal growth, as well as your own, should take precedence over your career.



I'm leaving the day after tomorrow and won't see my friends and most of my family for almost six weeks. I have not spent more than four and a half weeks away from home since the second semester of my freshmen year of college. In the span of six months, my life has changed dramatically. I'm almost certain it will be different when I return as well. The only thing guaranteed in life is change, and I'm hoping that my past experience with change will help me through this.

I'm not sure what to expect of this trip. I will admit that I have not properly prepared for it. I do know that it couldn't have come at a better time. And I hope I use the time to grow and move away from everything that has been plaguing me, rather than letting it take me back to square one.

My Greatest Fear

I've developed a fascination with capturing moments in my life, creating memories almost instead of living them. I hope they aren't passing me by...

Twenty-One

Catherine,
Romance, the arts, and other of life's pleasures seem to take center stage.




I'm still learning how to balance everything in my life to prevent the lows. Nonetheless, this past academic year has been everything I wanted it to be. I met new people. I rekindled old friendships. I got involved. I stayed focused. I went out. I learned new things. I made so many memories...

At this point, I've realized that no matter what happens or who walks out of my life, I will continue to have a whole network of fun, wonderful friends who prove time and again to be my backbone, the shoulders to cry on, my partners in crime, the reason I step back once in a while and realize just how lucky I am.

Dear Void

I know our friendship has changed for good, and I am not sure how it can function in a different way. You have been one of my best friends, and it's weird not turning to you. Even the few times we have talked, it felt different. I'm not sure if you noticed it, but I did. Despite what anyone says, it probably is better this way. I pretend I don't care, because somehow I think it makes me stronger. I miss you. But I hope you're happier without the drama.

Waste Your Potential for Only $40,000 a Year!

The wasted potential on this campus (and perhaps all across the country) continues to frustrate me. College is called "higher education" for a reason, and I feel that if your ultimate reason for working towards a B.A. is to get a job then you are seriously wasting your time and money. A liberal education should influence you to start thinking critically about the world around you and about the person you are becoming. The highlight of your time in college should not be your high tolerance. I'm not saying people shouldn't party, but there should be a better sense of balance between your academic education and your social life.

By the time you leave a university, you should have a better sense of who you are or who you want to become. You should be excited for the challenge of finding out what you want to do with your life now that you have 16 years of education under your belt. You should be confident that you can stand out above the rest because you found something you are passionate about and have a vague idea of how to implement that into your work.

Finding your passion doesn't mean that you stop complaining about things. It means that you have something tangible, something personal, that gives you purpose and negates the bad experiences of a bad class or a bad roommate.

If you haven't had at least one extracurricular activity or class every semester from which you walk away, knowing a little bit more about yourself, you should consider transferring.

Slacker

Catherine,
The best part of today is that you don't have to do anything that you don't really want to do. Go over the original game plan and make sure you are still on track. You are having a hard time keeping the target in sight, and a stray bullet will lead to serious consequences. Ask other people to go away if they are infringing on your space.

Everyone who is doing college right is busy right now. That fact is particularly why I hate when people answer "busy" when I ask how they are doing. You aren't special. You're just like everyone else who goes to class and finds other uses of their time afterward. Let's just say.. if what you do completely defines who you are, then I feel sorry for you.

I was wondering when it would happen though. Procrastination has caught up with me. I remembered at 2:00pm today that I have a midterm at 3:00pm tomorrow. Unfortunately, that bit of studying only adds to the three other papers I'm worried about for a 5-day span of time. And the beauty of it? I realized that I can do it, because I've had ten years of practice. Really, though, procrastination and me? Best friends.

Ah, the life of a student.

Give Us a Heart For Love Alone

Catherine,
The people who are shaking their heads in disappointment probably don't understand the true meaning of what you're trying to say anyway. Decisions made today will not have a great impact on your future. It is not necessary to focus too hard on the outcome. Confusion works to your advantage, if you play your cards right.


A couple weeks ago in one of my classes, my professor projected an image of a Muffler Shop sign with a political message on it. She told us to freewrite our initial reaction to it. Immediately, I spotted one message that stood out to me as a reflection of the author's perspective. For an hour, the class discussed different aspects of the message.. tried to figure out what it really meant. We strayed to many possibilities but none of them led to what I wrote down. By the end of class, our professor led us to the conclusion I had drawn at the beginning.

The last few days I have been completely wrapped in different problems, one after the other. Some having nothing to do with the other. Ultimately, I was giving myself a headache with all the negativity. Some things were beyond my control, and I'm trying to learn to shut that shit off.

But for the part that I do have control over...

It's been three years here. I've involved myself in different activities on campus. I've met hundreds of people. I've been to events, dinners, lunches, talks, meetings, workshops, socials... And still I find myself not fully connected. I could blame it on my negative attitude, but I know that I've put in a lot of effort into finding my place here.

The truth is.. I left something at home that cannot be replaced no matter how many hours I spend away from it. In high school, I found the greatest friends anyone could ask for. They are the people I can cry with for hours, laugh with for days, say random things with and not be shunned. In their presence, I feel content, loved, and fully alive. Each of us is comfortable with each other to the point where we know each others' worst qualities yet still choose to call them our best friends. Not all of us grew up together, but we were present during the formative years that created the foundation for the men and women we will become. Becuse of that, we still find ourselves reminiscing and picking up where we left off. Three years after graduation, I see that the bond we formed still exists and is probably stronger than ever. We spend time together, and by the end of it we all crave more.

That's true friendship.

I don't regret my choice to come here, but I guess I'm still learning my purpose for being here. Sometimes we have to go away to find that the answer was right in front of us at the beginning.

Today, I almost ran over a stupid pedestrian.

Catherine,
Seek loving support from good friends when you feel the most vulnerable. Your past cannot be changed so make the effort to move on. You have a great future ahead of you, but you will have to tie up some loose ends. Share with others your unique approach to life.

Off to Irvine/San Diego... :)

Living the Life of a Taurus

Catherine,
A chance conversation with a stranger has the ability to open your eyes to all that is possible. You may find yourself caught in the middle of a tense situation today. Try to get yourself out of the line of fire. Let the parties find their own solution to the dilemma.

Really though.. These horoscopes are scary accurate recently.

Communication.. Understanding

Is it possible that all quarrels and problems exist due to a lack of effective communication? If we continue to feed off of someone else's emotions (anger, sadness, etc.) rather than attempt to create a dialogue that reveals the underlying problem, we only sustain misunderstanding.

Misunderstanding and ignorance attest to the prevalent issue of prejudice. I've come to realize that racist attitudes are not necessarily self-taught, and some people created opinions based on what they grew up around and the influence of others. However, when you call it to their attention that a term they used or something they said is politically incorrect, we can begin to rebuild their worldview and break down the ignorance that taints our country.

On a much smaller scale though, I know that many of my friendships would be healthier if people honestly said what they were thinking. No opinions should be silenced, and the only way we can work through issues is to communicate. If I found the courage to tell you exactly what prompted me to do what I do, perhaps you would respect my decision. If you told me what was on your mind and stopped hiding the thoughts behind your actions, maybe I could figure out a way to change.

In the near future, I hope we can reach true understanding. And then keep it to ourselves to prevent drama that inevitably follows.

This Could've Been Worse

Pay attention to what you're doing, and you'll be glad you did. You have forgiven an untrustworthy friend once too often. It is time to find companions you can trust as much as they trust you. Stop trying to be something you are not and your goals will be more easily achieved.


I'll admit it. I'm superstitious at times, but my horoscope has been so dead on recently (2 days ago and today) that I cannot help it. I was planning on writing about a recent pivotal decision, but it would have ended up as one that prompts the following response: "Uhm.. she's emo. And kind of delusional." So I refrain.

I am not really one to commit to change that I personally don't want, but this time I think it's not 100% for myself. Yes, it will benefit me in the long-run, but my choice came from the realization that I was selfish. When I looked at the situation, no one really won.. at least not while things stayed the same. Hence, change.

It is not my intention to hurt anyone, and I believe and hope that this will be the most difficult for me. Because if anyone else is affected more than I am, then perhaps I was wrong again.

Insomnia is Mental

For the last week, I've been in a period of unrest. I lacked momentum to do anything productive with my life, yet I had the mental motivation that would normally put me on the road to success (however short-lived).

For example, I recently found concrete reason to do well in school again, yet I have not been able to concentrate on my homework for the last week. I wanted to go out, meet people, and have fun on Saturday, but when the time came I decided to go to bed instead. Currently, I am writing this because although I want to to go to sleep, I cannot get myself to shower and get ready for rest.

I spent two hours talking to someone about what could potentially be the culprit wasting my mental energy. But I said everything I can say on that topic, and yet I sit here continuing to wonder why I am awake.

Why do useless things accumulate so much of my time?

So much has changed in the past year. The older we get, the faster change seems to occur. The more I open myself up to experience, the more I absorb.. maybe, the more I am confused. I believe college is the time to figure out who you are, but identity is a fluid concept that changes from day to day, even from hour to hour. In one moment, I am a student dissecting the words of Shakespeare. In another, I am sharing my opinion on the real meaning behind a spoken word performance. In yet another, I am discussing the positive aspects of a focus group. And after all that, I have a smile plastered on my face and luckily an assured voice that masks the chaos running through my head. What is the real purpose of any of this?

I can't slow down, but at the same time I have not moved an inch. Or, more accurately, time won't slow down but I have nothing to show for the last seven days of my life. I wonder if I have been wasting my time, or if taking a step back is what I need to figure out where I want to go.

I think too much.

I talk too much.

And in the process I lose something.. But what?

What makes a person successful? Is it their ability to set a goal for themselves and then reach it? Or is it their ability to take what they are given and work with it as best as they can? Is it doing something? Or is it learning from the experience?

What am I doing with my life? It's 4:10 in the morning, and I am asking unanswerable questions like I'm getting paid to do it.

Beyond Words

Nonage

Learn more at http://www.mynonage.com

Another Decade of Greatness

While most of my Winter Break has been spent lounging in my humble yet comfortable bed, I have been out and about a few times when I found a commitment luring enough to change out of pajamas/sweats.

One such occasion occurred yesterday, Tuesday, January 8, 2008. I woke up thinking it would be another day of Janice Dickenson Modeling Agency followed by Food Network Challenges and movies on HBO. (Hey, I'm not complaining.) However, a text received while I was sleeping informed me that despite the repeated message of a "sold out game," my friend found three tickets floating around San Francisco.

By some miracle, I would be attending the most intensely emotional basketball game, professional, college-level, or otherwise: The Bruce-Mahoney Basketball Tournament between St. Ignatius College Preparatory and Sacred Heart Cathedral Preparatory.

Three years out of high school, my best friend and I have been looking for tickets since December, and I had given up hope of attending until I finally walked through the USF gym doors (after 35 minutes of searching for parking..). The girls had just lost a major defeat, but I knew in my heart that tonight was still our night. As we three alumni climbed the familiar stairs to the upper level of the gym, I felt myself being transported back to high school. No matter how many years have passed since my time at SI, everything is just about the same. The students still show their spirit in the same way: red and blue layered shirts, bright socks, Varsity jackets, jerseys, Senior t-shirts, facepaint. Brother Draper and Ms. Cota still stand in front of the immense crowd of cheering Wildcats, making sure that we keep our cheers classy. Everyone wearing Red and Blue looks relaxed and happy, almost certain of the victory that is coming our way.

A victory it was, as the Cats led the crowd in a magnificent display of every heart-wrenching emotion of a true athletic event. We won 55-52 after starting the game with a disappointing first quarter (23-9 in the second) and never leading the game with more than 6 points. The most important thing was, we won the trophy for a tenth consecutive year. (Basically, the trophy has been in our possession since my oldest sister graduated in 1999.) I kept taking pictures of the scoreboard, knowing that somehow our team would catch up and defeat the "big green." I found myself joining in on as many cheers as I could, yelling and stomping my feet like it was my last year to celebrate.

A part of me wishes I showed as much school spirit in the past, not shying away from the extra facial decorations. But the beauty of SI is that you can always go back. Of course, it is no longer our time. We won't always find friends in the crowd. We won't always have the stamina to stand for a full hour and a half to scream at the top of our lungs. I did feel older than all these Cats; the oldest were freshmen when I graduated. But there is something that pulls you right back in. I am no longer afraid for the future of our school, because now I see us in them. The more years that pass by, the more alumni will join the Ignatian family. When you make that decision afterward to put on red and blue, you can be sure that no one will call you out once you stand on your seat and go crazy with that simple phrase, "We are SI."

So what is it that makes you blend in? The passion for the school, the support for the team, the spirit of our tradition, and the love between all Wildcats that transcends time and generation.

Oooh.. Ahhh.. You wish you were a wildcat.