Insomnia is Mental

For the last week, I've been in a period of unrest. I lacked momentum to do anything productive with my life, yet I had the mental motivation that would normally put me on the road to success (however short-lived).

For example, I recently found concrete reason to do well in school again, yet I have not been able to concentrate on my homework for the last week. I wanted to go out, meet people, and have fun on Saturday, but when the time came I decided to go to bed instead. Currently, I am writing this because although I want to to go to sleep, I cannot get myself to shower and get ready for rest.

I spent two hours talking to someone about what could potentially be the culprit wasting my mental energy. But I said everything I can say on that topic, and yet I sit here continuing to wonder why I am awake.

Why do useless things accumulate so much of my time?

So much has changed in the past year. The older we get, the faster change seems to occur. The more I open myself up to experience, the more I absorb.. maybe, the more I am confused. I believe college is the time to figure out who you are, but identity is a fluid concept that changes from day to day, even from hour to hour. In one moment, I am a student dissecting the words of Shakespeare. In another, I am sharing my opinion on the real meaning behind a spoken word performance. In yet another, I am discussing the positive aspects of a focus group. And after all that, I have a smile plastered on my face and luckily an assured voice that masks the chaos running through my head. What is the real purpose of any of this?

I can't slow down, but at the same time I have not moved an inch. Or, more accurately, time won't slow down but I have nothing to show for the last seven days of my life. I wonder if I have been wasting my time, or if taking a step back is what I need to figure out where I want to go.

I think too much.

I talk too much.

And in the process I lose something.. But what?

What makes a person successful? Is it their ability to set a goal for themselves and then reach it? Or is it their ability to take what they are given and work with it as best as they can? Is it doing something? Or is it learning from the experience?

What am I doing with my life? It's 4:10 in the morning, and I am asking unanswerable questions like I'm getting paid to do it.