Slacker

Catherine,
The best part of today is that you don't have to do anything that you don't really want to do. Go over the original game plan and make sure you are still on track. You are having a hard time keeping the target in sight, and a stray bullet will lead to serious consequences. Ask other people to go away if they are infringing on your space.

Everyone who is doing college right is busy right now. That fact is particularly why I hate when people answer "busy" when I ask how they are doing. You aren't special. You're just like everyone else who goes to class and finds other uses of their time afterward. Let's just say.. if what you do completely defines who you are, then I feel sorry for you.

I was wondering when it would happen though. Procrastination has caught up with me. I remembered at 2:00pm today that I have a midterm at 3:00pm tomorrow. Unfortunately, that bit of studying only adds to the three other papers I'm worried about for a 5-day span of time. And the beauty of it? I realized that I can do it, because I've had ten years of practice. Really, though, procrastination and me? Best friends.

Ah, the life of a student.

Give Us a Heart For Love Alone

Catherine,
The people who are shaking their heads in disappointment probably don't understand the true meaning of what you're trying to say anyway. Decisions made today will not have a great impact on your future. It is not necessary to focus too hard on the outcome. Confusion works to your advantage, if you play your cards right.


A couple weeks ago in one of my classes, my professor projected an image of a Muffler Shop sign with a political message on it. She told us to freewrite our initial reaction to it. Immediately, I spotted one message that stood out to me as a reflection of the author's perspective. For an hour, the class discussed different aspects of the message.. tried to figure out what it really meant. We strayed to many possibilities but none of them led to what I wrote down. By the end of class, our professor led us to the conclusion I had drawn at the beginning.

The last few days I have been completely wrapped in different problems, one after the other. Some having nothing to do with the other. Ultimately, I was giving myself a headache with all the negativity. Some things were beyond my control, and I'm trying to learn to shut that shit off.

But for the part that I do have control over...

It's been three years here. I've involved myself in different activities on campus. I've met hundreds of people. I've been to events, dinners, lunches, talks, meetings, workshops, socials... And still I find myself not fully connected. I could blame it on my negative attitude, but I know that I've put in a lot of effort into finding my place here.

The truth is.. I left something at home that cannot be replaced no matter how many hours I spend away from it. In high school, I found the greatest friends anyone could ask for. They are the people I can cry with for hours, laugh with for days, say random things with and not be shunned. In their presence, I feel content, loved, and fully alive. Each of us is comfortable with each other to the point where we know each others' worst qualities yet still choose to call them our best friends. Not all of us grew up together, but we were present during the formative years that created the foundation for the men and women we will become. Becuse of that, we still find ourselves reminiscing and picking up where we left off. Three years after graduation, I see that the bond we formed still exists and is probably stronger than ever. We spend time together, and by the end of it we all crave more.

That's true friendship.

I don't regret my choice to come here, but I guess I'm still learning my purpose for being here. Sometimes we have to go away to find that the answer was right in front of us at the beginning.

Today, I almost ran over a stupid pedestrian.

Catherine,
Seek loving support from good friends when you feel the most vulnerable. Your past cannot be changed so make the effort to move on. You have a great future ahead of you, but you will have to tie up some loose ends. Share with others your unique approach to life.

Off to Irvine/San Diego... :)

Living the Life of a Taurus

Catherine,
A chance conversation with a stranger has the ability to open your eyes to all that is possible. You may find yourself caught in the middle of a tense situation today. Try to get yourself out of the line of fire. Let the parties find their own solution to the dilemma.

Really though.. These horoscopes are scary accurate recently.

Communication.. Understanding

Is it possible that all quarrels and problems exist due to a lack of effective communication? If we continue to feed off of someone else's emotions (anger, sadness, etc.) rather than attempt to create a dialogue that reveals the underlying problem, we only sustain misunderstanding.

Misunderstanding and ignorance attest to the prevalent issue of prejudice. I've come to realize that racist attitudes are not necessarily self-taught, and some people created opinions based on what they grew up around and the influence of others. However, when you call it to their attention that a term they used or something they said is politically incorrect, we can begin to rebuild their worldview and break down the ignorance that taints our country.

On a much smaller scale though, I know that many of my friendships would be healthier if people honestly said what they were thinking. No opinions should be silenced, and the only way we can work through issues is to communicate. If I found the courage to tell you exactly what prompted me to do what I do, perhaps you would respect my decision. If you told me what was on your mind and stopped hiding the thoughts behind your actions, maybe I could figure out a way to change.

In the near future, I hope we can reach true understanding. And then keep it to ourselves to prevent drama that inevitably follows.

This Could've Been Worse

Pay attention to what you're doing, and you'll be glad you did. You have forgiven an untrustworthy friend once too often. It is time to find companions you can trust as much as they trust you. Stop trying to be something you are not and your goals will be more easily achieved.


I'll admit it. I'm superstitious at times, but my horoscope has been so dead on recently (2 days ago and today) that I cannot help it. I was planning on writing about a recent pivotal decision, but it would have ended up as one that prompts the following response: "Uhm.. she's emo. And kind of delusional." So I refrain.

I am not really one to commit to change that I personally don't want, but this time I think it's not 100% for myself. Yes, it will benefit me in the long-run, but my choice came from the realization that I was selfish. When I looked at the situation, no one really won.. at least not while things stayed the same. Hence, change.

It is not my intention to hurt anyone, and I believe and hope that this will be the most difficult for me. Because if anyone else is affected more than I am, then perhaps I was wrong again.

Insomnia is Mental

For the last week, I've been in a period of unrest. I lacked momentum to do anything productive with my life, yet I had the mental motivation that would normally put me on the road to success (however short-lived).

For example, I recently found concrete reason to do well in school again, yet I have not been able to concentrate on my homework for the last week. I wanted to go out, meet people, and have fun on Saturday, but when the time came I decided to go to bed instead. Currently, I am writing this because although I want to to go to sleep, I cannot get myself to shower and get ready for rest.

I spent two hours talking to someone about what could potentially be the culprit wasting my mental energy. But I said everything I can say on that topic, and yet I sit here continuing to wonder why I am awake.

Why do useless things accumulate so much of my time?

So much has changed in the past year. The older we get, the faster change seems to occur. The more I open myself up to experience, the more I absorb.. maybe, the more I am confused. I believe college is the time to figure out who you are, but identity is a fluid concept that changes from day to day, even from hour to hour. In one moment, I am a student dissecting the words of Shakespeare. In another, I am sharing my opinion on the real meaning behind a spoken word performance. In yet another, I am discussing the positive aspects of a focus group. And after all that, I have a smile plastered on my face and luckily an assured voice that masks the chaos running through my head. What is the real purpose of any of this?

I can't slow down, but at the same time I have not moved an inch. Or, more accurately, time won't slow down but I have nothing to show for the last seven days of my life. I wonder if I have been wasting my time, or if taking a step back is what I need to figure out where I want to go.

I think too much.

I talk too much.

And in the process I lose something.. But what?

What makes a person successful? Is it their ability to set a goal for themselves and then reach it? Or is it their ability to take what they are given and work with it as best as they can? Is it doing something? Or is it learning from the experience?

What am I doing with my life? It's 4:10 in the morning, and I am asking unanswerable questions like I'm getting paid to do it.