Finding Inspiration Right Back Where I Started From

Photo Credit: Tracy K. Lee

NOTE: This entry is an edited version of a previous post I made this summer, based on a few more chance encounters with fellow SI alumni.




In terms of crazy adventures and late nights out, this summer was mediocre at best. By way of learning and discovering, this summer tops the charts.

If I could do it again, I would make no hesitation to start from Day 1. My four years at SI were the best four years of my life. Unfortunately, like most great things, I only recognized the fact in hindsight.

If I could... I would be involved in the campus community from the beginning. I would talk to people in my classes and form actual friendships. I would go to class each day and bask in learning from some of the most inspirational teachers in the world. I would go to FML every week from the start. I would allow myself to face social justice issues. I would put my talent to good use in the community. I would cheer on our Wildcats at as many sporting events as possible. If I could...

I read the blog of a friend's friend who recently walked the halls of SI as a visitor. She said that she finally understood the reason why two alumni she knew were so passionate about their high school. "It's beautiful. You can see the ocean. I want to send my kids here." And I realize that no visitor will ever understand. The beauty of our campus is a distant second to the lasting experience each graduate endures through their time at SI.

Today I visited our campus once more and found myself drawn in yet again. Every time I go back, I know for sure that it is where I want to be.

This summer I've run into so many '05 alumni. Some best friends. Some I had short-term bonds with. Some I hardly even talked to while at SI. Yet every time it happens, we stop and have a conversation that goes beyond the "so... college" awkwardness. They have long-term goals. They are going abroad for significant periods of time. They casually mention grad school. They are doing something with their lives.

It really comes as no surprise as so many SI alumni before us have become successful in all factions of life: from Broadway to Wall Street, television to fashion, teachers to lawyers. I'm sure several high schools can say that about their alumni. Yet SI still has something more.

Students, teachers, administration, and alumni search for more. They are successful because they actively listen to their calling and work passionately toward something greater than themselves. They act in order to fulfill their purpose. Purpose comes first. Recognition last.

Then it hit me..

"We are SI." We've said it thousands of times. It was the theme of one of our yearbooks (2001-02). But it finally makes sense to me. When you get SI, you find it in you and in others who get it too.

We are SI. And I thank you for showing me that my time has not yet run out. :)

Learning to Live For Something Greater

If I could do it again, I would make no hesitation to start from Day 1. My four years at SI were the best four years of my life. Unfortunately, like most great things, you only recognize the fact in hindsight.

If I could... I would be involved in the campus community from the beginning. I would talk to people in my classes and form actual friendships. I would go to class each day and bask in learning from some of the most inspirational teachers in the world. I would go to FML every week from the start. I would participate in the facing of social justice issues. I would put my talent to good use in the community. I would cheer on our Wildcats at as many sporting events as possible. If I could...

This summer I've run into so many '05 alumni. Some best friends. Some I had short-term bonds with. Some I hardly even talked to while at SI. Yet every time it happens, we stop and have a conversation that goes beyond the "so... college" awkwardness. They have long-term goals. They are going abroad for significant periods of time. They casually mention grad school. They are doing something with their lives.

It really comes as no surprise as so many SI alumni before us have become successful in all factions of life: from Broadway to Wall Street, television to fashion, teachers to lawyers. I'm sure several high schools can say that about their alumni. Yet SI still has something more.

Students, teachers, administration, and alumni search for more. They are successful because they actively listen to their calling and work passionately toward something greater than themselves. They act in order to fulfill their purpose. Purpose comes first. Recognition last.

If I could offer advice for any current SI student, it would be this: Go to Friday Morning Liturgy. Immerse yourself on retreat. Attend school dances, no matter how lame the theme or the fact that visitors aren't welcome. Listen to the announcements. Participate in events. Listen to your teachers. Learn. Attend theatre productions and games. Don't ever miss the Bruce Mahoney. Be friends with as many people as possible. Get to know the strangers that walk down the hall. Educate yourself on the ideals of the Jesuit philosophy. Go on immersion. Go on Thursday Morning Comfort Runs. Stay on campus until the buildings close. Wear red and blue. Make every day count. LOVE SI, because before you know it you're out of there.

Nearly every alum will gladly switch places with you. Live up to the greats before you. Don't leave the halls empty when you're gone.

Who Exactly Is Corrupting Our World?

On the way home this afternoon, I saw a car with a sticker that said "707" and had an image of a gun.

First of all, is that necessary? And, secondly, why would I not try to avoid contact with you if your car comes with a warning sign?

This past week, a couple of friends mentioned their dissatisfaction with our country. They mentioned the inessential existence of guns and weapons in America and the corruption of the government that rules us. One wanted to move to Australia. One wanted to move to the Philippines.

The gun problem is quite clear. It made me wonder when humans started acquiring weapons to use against each other. Before humans became a sophisticated and technological people, their sole use of weapons was to kill animals for their own survival. In a world where we have enough nuclear weapons to blow ourselves up seven times (or whatever), sometimes I think we would've been better off as cave men and women.

As for corruption, this problem spreads out across every continent. Yes, America is hardly a land for the free, what with its discrimination and illegal immigration and a self-centered and arrogant disregard for anyone not in America, etc. However, any country where there is a vast difference between the filthy rich and the starving poor is corrupt, in my opinion. You can't move to escape corruption; you need to figure out a way to fix it from where you are.

I've thought about Bill Gates a lot this past year. He has been the richest man in the world for some years now, but the reports and literature on starving people from every third world country continues to grow with his wealth. At some point, do we have a responsibility to give up on capitalism and change the world for the better? Should he feel a responsibility to help dying children or cure AIDS? Yes, he does good things with his money. People keep reminding me that he is giving a larger percentage of the money in his will to his own charity foundation rather than his own children. But each of his children still receive more than enough money to be filthy rich in the future, while millions of children will share whatever goes to charity.

Oprah is a prime example of the American system. She is a black woman, successful in a white man's world. How many people fail to realize that she lived through the Civil Rights movement when Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. and Rosa Parks were speaking out against oppression in their own country? Instead of marching with the movement and working towards equal rights, she was working her way up corporate America. Instead of fighting for her own rights as a woman of color, she chose to prove that she could crack her way into the dominant culture. With her millions of dollars, she's done a lot of good in many people's eyes. While she may live on as another face in Hollywood, maybe as a woman who gave away a lot of free stuff, MLK and Rosa Parks are already a part of our nation's history.

I know. I don't have much of a right to put down Bill Gates for not looking to do good for the children in Africa, India, or the Philippines. Or Oprah for choosing to become capitally successful instead of getting arrested. I myself am a product of capitalism. I buy clothes. I wear designer purses. I spend more money than I should. So who am I to judge?

I am no one. No One with an opinion. And a voice. And I'm using it to question what I learn and share my ideas.

Here's one: I believe in the education of the whole self and the ability to critically think. I believe in the use of each person's education to push them further to see the problems the world and the ways to fix them. I believe in power. I believe in life purpose. Not every person is called to work in the Peace Corps. Not every person is called to be a teacher. Not every person is called to give up their dreams to be parents. But we are all called to do something that will make our world better.

We need money to find a cure for cancer. We need money to produce food to feed the world. We need money to fix the growing problems in our environment.

So, in this sense, some people need to make more money than others. Some people need to go to school for twenty years to become doctors or professors. Some people need to give up everything they have for a life of service. I've accepted the fact that where we are today, we have produced a wide range of needs and the talented people to serve those needs.

So do not tell me that this world is corrupt and then smoke, drink, and do drugs on the weekends. Don't say "what is the point of school, my time is better spent partying," and then be left struggling to support yourself instead of doing the good you could be doing. Education can be wasted. Money can be wasted. But why are you wasting these precious valuables when you could be using them to evoke the change you so desperately seek? Figure out how you want to be remembered, and start paving the way.

Pink Cupcakes

I woke up at four in the afternoon today, a reminder of one of my first weeks of summer. I'd missed two calls.. and the will to do anything productive. The rest of the day made sure that I would continue to feel like shit. Despite the fact that most of my friends are home, I didn't really have anyone to hang out with because everyone else had plans. And I had a headache.

The truth is, no matter what I say I would rather be out than taking a nap. However, I am a strong advocate of finding ways to make yourself feel better without relying on other people for happiness. When you rely on others, you open the door for disappointment. When you rely on other people, you may never discover the way to be happy with yourself. Yet I suppose you can disappoint yourself as well.

So for the rest of the day, I found ways to keep myself busy.. I went out to buy dinner. I started a new scrapbook. I watched a disc of Friends. I took a nap. And, once again, I missed two calls.
Waking up at eleven thirty at night does not provide much opportunity to do anything at all. Everyone else is out and about, looking for parties. I lay in bed, fully made-up in my new LMU sweatshirt and my favorite comfortable pair of jeans with no one to hang out with. When I learned that there was no chance of me going out, I got my ass out of bed before any pathetic tears could form. I looked in the mirror, and my attention went immediately to the letters on my sweatshirt.

I miss LMU. I miss school. And the weird thing is, what I'm looking forward to is fall semester when ninety percent of my time will be devoted to my education.

I don't know if that feeling is normal. But I realize that it is almost the end of June, and August will come just as fast as May passed. I try to occupy myself with the carefree happiness of summer.. and the joys of seeing old friends. And I try to ignore the fact that I look forward to going to class more than I look forward to the weekends.

In the mean time, I took an Advil and baked pink cupcakes. My original plan was to ice them with people's initials.. a little mid-summer night snack. But the pink icing failed me, so until it becomes gell instead of watery pink liquid the cupcakes are blank. Well, at least the headache is gone.

At Least I Have You to Thank for My Passion

"Why do my parents pay $40,000 a year for me to go to a school and be a part of a community that claims to stand for ideals that were the basis of my college decision, then violate my inclusion in it?"

My choice to go to LMU highlighted my choice to further the lessons I learned at my Jesuit high school: social justice, the education of the whole person, the ability to become a person with and for others... all for the greater glory of God. Though we stand as a Catholic institution, I have had trouble finding God in the community.

The newspaper decides to bring a speaker to campus who justifies the internment of Japanese AMERICANS and the racial profiling of people of Middle Eastern descent. Why? Supposedly, she is coming to speak solely about the first amendment. (UH... BULLSHIT. If her views were so insignificant, why were they advertised all over campus, why did the editor-in-chief STATE them in her introduction of the speaker, and why did she spend the first 12 minutes of her speech defending herself and putting down the students who disagree with her?)

The same newspaper allows the printing of an offensive list that alienates people on campus and angers many others. Then students write in response to the retraction of it calling it "humor," those offended as "sensitive," and criticizing the school they CHOSE to go to for "censoring free speech."

I refuse to believe that a newspaper that allows hate (yes, HATE) actually understands what a well-rounded Jesuit-educated student is. So spare me, and stop trying to justify your work quoting values that you clearly do not have. The US protects the right to freedom of speech, but here we work to protect human rights. You go to a school that is, first and foremost, a Catholic Jesuit institution. Well-rounded person implies someone who can think critically of what they hear. It means you listen to a view but do not take it only for face value. IT DOES NOT MEAN WE HAVE TO LISTEN TO SOMEONE WHO CRITICIZES EVERYTHING WE STAND FOR. (HOW CAN YOU LISTEN TO SOMEONE SO FULL OF HATRED THAT SHE MAKES JOKES ABOUT OUR CORE AND PUTS US DOWN FOR EXACTLY WHAT SHE'S DOING AS WELL?) It means we fight for the human rights of oppressed people. It means we give a fuck about someone who can't do it alone.

Next year, why don't you invite the man who assaulted Elie Wiesel to speak about the first amendment? Does he not have the right to free speech in his denial of the Holocaust according to your understanding of "free speech?" (TAKE NOTE: WE'LL WALK OUT ON HIM TOO. IT'S NOT HIS POLITICAL PARTY THAT WE DISAGREE WITH. IT'S HIS FAILURE TO MEET OUR COMMUNITY'S MISSION.)

We go to a school where, though supposedly only 40% of the population goes Greek, the Greek way of life is celebrated while the values and fight for diversity and interculturalism (two goals that LMU "focuses on") are left to the same few people who realize its lacking. I know what exchanges go on every week, but how many people on campus can tell me what Third Tuesday is? What Black History Month events have been on? What a SERVICE ORGANIZATION is??

If you do not believe in human rights and social justice, please tell me why you decided to come here in the first place. If it's for free speech or the pretty girls, please take yourself elsewhere. It's amazing to me that the people who leave this school before graduation are the ones who stand for the LMU mission but are disappointed with the lack of its action in our community. COME ON, LMU, LIVE UP TO YOUR MISSION STATEMENT.

You may argue with me that the people in the real world are far worse. But that's why I chose to make LMU my bubble. Unfortunately, not everyone believes in the safe space of a spiritual space (namely, Michelle Malkin and the students who applaud her). You cry out "FIRST AMENDMENT RIGHTS!" We cry out "SOCIAL JUSTICE" and "TRUE equality!" If college students don't believe they can change the world for the better, who will? I won't leave this place because I don't like you; I'll stay because my faith in the well-rounded persons who do exist outweighs my frustration with your failure.

If you feel that your freedom of speech is stifled here, then maybe you aren't meant to be a person for others. Learn what it means to be blessed as a part of a Jesuit community, and stop defending the hatred. When you leave this school and face the evils of the real world you so strongly believe in, I'll stay in my Jesuit bubble and pray to God that I can influence real men and women for others.

A Matter of Life

A couple of days ago, I woke up early (at 12 noon) to get ready for my doctor's appointment at my pediatrician's office. My sister called me mid-preparation to ask if I could look up local news and find out why there were policemen standing on fire trucks on or near 280-N off San Francisco. I told her I had no time for shannanigans and went about my business. Due to the fact that I constantly overestimate my ability to get ready in a fast manner, I did not back out of my garage until 1:12 for my 1:30 appointment.

Now, normally fifteen minutes is sufficient to get myself from my house to the doctor's office so I did not initially freak out (especially because I can get from Point A to Point B in about 1/10 the time it takes for me to get ready to go there). I was deciding whether to take 280 or side streets in the interest of planning ahead. I took the side streets and was sorely greeted by police officers on King who blocked off my direct route to good health. Forced to turn right, I had to follow an old man in a Lexus through a residential area that would not end. By the time our line of cars reached Hickey on the other side, we saw that the police had blocked off that street as well.

Annoyed and frustrated, I had to turn back down where I came from. I ignored stop signs because I figured, if police officers are allowed to block off entire streets they must have better things to do than ticket someone who is late due to their selfishness. At around 1:22, I was BACK in my neighborhood, flustered and ready to flip off and/or use my horn at any person who wished to further aggravate me. (I blame that on living in LA, even for only nine months.)

I decided to try my freeway route, only to find that there was traffic from the Daly City exit all the way to the city. By 1:30, I was still on the freeway and calling the office to apologize for my tardiness. (I don't think they are used to patients calling in..) However, I managed to find parking and run to the office not much more than 10 minutes late. And in one piece.

Take a moment to thank Boyz II Men for their song "I Will Get There" and its inspiration to make me think happy thoughts and release negativity into the universe.

Anyway, after my appointment and in an effort to begin my plan of "eating healthier" I drove myself to West Portal to get myself a turkey sandwich from Squat & Gobble. However, it seriously was not my day. The final block of West Portal, the block that houses the Squat & Gobble, was blocked off for still another reason unknown to me. I tried to remain calm as I tried to get back onto West Portal from the other end, then found out that I could not.

I was too mad to go all the way back to park on another block of West Portal, so I got myself lost in the neighborhood before finally getting back on Portola and heading back south. But not before I got myself a "calm-me-down" boba from Irving.

My rational self told me that I could simply go back home and get a sandwich from the deli in my neighborhood. So that is what I did.

I told the girl at the counter "Turkey sandwich on Dutch crunch, no mayo, no onions." This chick WROTE my order down, then told me they were out of Dutch crunch. I settled for wheat, thinking that there are worse things in the world. I paid for my sandwich and drove home to my comfortable chair to devour the thing.

When I opened the package, tell me why there was mayonnaise greeting me. I took one bite and felt my arteries clog up.. I gave up mayonnaise a year ago in an effort to avoid the Freshmen 15, and since then the smell of it makes me queasy.

My bad day all started with that policewoman standing in the street, telling me that she had the authority to interrupt hundreds of lives today simply because that was her "duty."

The bad day almost prevented me from enjoying my night, but I decided not to let it have the satisfaction.


Later on, I found out the cause for the hundreds of police officers all over the area.. The funeral of a San Francisco policeman.

This man lived on my street. This man died in a car crash during a car chase. This man was recognized by a thousand people because his career is considered more prestigious than people whose immediate job description is not government service. This man had streets blocked off for him so that the funeral procession could run smoothly from the Cathedral to Holy Cross Cemetary.

Sure, this man may have been a great man. Sure, this man may have died "serving his people." But what about the THOUSANDS who died on September 11th? What about the THOUSANDS of soldiers who will never return home because they are fighting a war that they may not even believe in?

Every life is valuable. As cliche as that may be, each birth is a significant moment in time. Yes, it is each individual's choice whether or not he or she uses the period between that moment and one's last breath with dignity, care, and purpose. But why does a man receive five minutes of local news time simply because he is a governmental authority figure?

Recently, the mother of one of my oldest and closest friends passed away. She was a family friend, a loving parent, and a woman devoted to our church, to say the least. She was the first person I've ever personally known that I can honestly say deserves to be a cannonized saint. Each person who spoke about her mentioned her patience and the fact that she never once complained. During her ten years battling cancer, she continued to put the needs of others before her own. Her charisma and enthusiasm brightened up any room, and her genuine care continually shined through.

She never received airtime on the news. But I know that no one who knew her will ever forget her. Still, the thought of the possibility of her story ever being lost bothers me.

It got me to thinking of each life that I believe is so special. Everyone strives for greatness. Some achieve it, some choose to place their legacy in their offspring. But, unfortunately, any good that someone does is soon forgotten (unless, of course, you are famous or work for the government).

Now, consider those whose lives were celebrated most greatly after their deaths.. Artists, writers, saints, etc. We still know the works of Monet, Jane Austen, Jesus, and hundreds of others who left their legacy in concrete works of deed and art, written and painted.

And the thing is, you don't even need a miracle.

I used to think that the best way to be successful at life was to be selfish. "If no one else cares about me, I have to care for myself." While that's earned people millions of dollars and infamy, that is definitely not how I want to be remembered.

Each day I should strive to reach out. Each day I want to affect someone else's life in a positive way. I want to become the best version of myself, not the richest version of myself. I want to use who I am and what I stand for to make a change in the world and leave it better than I found it.

Instead of hoping to live the longest, maybe we should hope to complete our mission. It is not the length of the journey, but the success of doing what we as humans aspire to do. Be passionate. Be happy. Be inspirational. And have the most people at your funeral.. Then you could cause chaos on the streets of San Francisco without having to wear a badge.

Judgment

"A judgment is a belief or opinion that is based on observations, feelings, assumptions, or other phenomena that are NOT facts."

I'll admit... As unfair as any judgment may be, I tend to jump to conclusions just as any other human being does. It's a matter of whether or not you choose to let that initial judgment cloud your opinion later on.

However, as I begin each new year of my life I cannot help but notice that my first instincts about most individuals are usually correct. That doesn't mean that I am not open to getting to know someone just because their first impression was negative. I've become good friends with people who I didn't like to begin with. But at the same time, a lot of people have let me down because I chose to give them my trust when they did not actually deserve it.


I know this is gonna sound really corny and stuff, but I really have nothing better to do since I have no school to worry about for the next 4 months and hardly anyone to play with for the next month and a half. Looking back on my first year of college, I realized how much positive I have in my life. We all know I'm rather pessimisstic (to say the least). But occasionally I do go through moments of utter inspiration when everything seems okay.

When I left for college last August, I was looking for a new beginning in a new place with new people. I found all that. I found out that it is possible to live in two worlds. School was my escape from the real world. Home was my escape from real life. (I bet that makes no sense to you, but... uhm, tough luck.)

I found that that no matter how much I tried to stifle the past, it kept knocking at my door. So I went through crazy heights of stress and extreme emotion; I was homesick. I was depressed. I was overwhelmed. I was ecstatic. I was confused. I was angry. I was free. No matter what anyone told me, no matter what anyone did, my life was finally my own.

My mom was no longer making sure I did my homework, going to class on time, feeding me. My parents could no longer check up on me to see that I was home by a decent hour, or home before the sun was up. My sisters were no longer five minutes away, making sure I was making the right decisions. Every choice I made was my own.

So I decided to make the effort to go to class when I could have just as easily stayed in bed all day. I decided to do my homework and be prepared when I could be. I decided to be there for the friends I know needed my time more than I did. I decided to take care of myself and get rest when I was sick. I decided to take risks that could hurt me. I decided to call on the people I trusted most when everything around me seemed to go wrong. In the end, each decision made me stronger. And now, I realized that despite the indpendence that I thought I had, the truth is that they were right there with me all along.

I first heard the term unconditional love in elementary school Religion class. I remember it described as the love only God can give. At that time, God to me was a giant old man in heaven, unseen by lowly humans. St. Ignatius taught me differently. He taught me to see God in everything. After my senior year of high school, what keeps me closest to my spirituality is the belief that God is in people.

When you only know one way to live, you take the love of the people around you for granted. But once you experience what you believe to be "completely alone," you realize that you're not.
I tried to push them away, but every time I reached a low point, there they were ready to help me back up.

My family has been my heart since Day 1. They clearly define unconditional love by every act that they've committed throughout my life. Every fight I had with one of them happened to make me a better person. Every punishment was given because they knew I could do better. I worked so hard to get away from them that it surprised me that whenever stress took the best of me, all I needed was a call from one of them to know that everything would be okay. Thank you for being my conscience.

My fake cousins have never failed to try to make me smile. As difficult as it may be, they never gave up. As much as I resisted, they continued to push back until I gave in to their requests of random and ridiculous activity. I have never met a more stubborn group of individuals. A hat can never be a purse, until it reaches the hands of my fake cousins. The longer I stay away from them, the more I realize that no twelve people can appreciate a kodak moment like we can. Thank you for being my strength.

My friends have redefined friendship for me. And, I'm sorry to say, it is incredibly difficult for anyone to measure up. Second semester senior year/summer 2005 (and every person who came and stayed) continues to stand out as the most wonderfully dramatic period (and absolutely fabulous group of individuals) of my life. The most important factor of our friendship was faith, closeness, trust. At every obstacle I had to face throughout my freshmen year, the most simple "I love you" inspired me to keep going. No matter what fight/argument we had, if at the next minute one of us needed a hand to hold, the other was there, no questions asked. They were there to wipe my tears and always be on my side. Thank you for being my inspiration.


Once you give someone your trust, you take a risk of getting hurt. I've been hurt many times, but my conscience, my strength, and my inspiration prove that once in a while, your trust goes to someone great. Each day is a new day, but every time I wake up I know that in doubt, confusion, or frustration, they will hold my hand and help me through the rain.

Thank you for teaching me how to live, and thank you for showing me how to love.