Judgment

"A judgment is a belief or opinion that is based on observations, feelings, assumptions, or other phenomena that are NOT facts."

I'll admit... As unfair as any judgment may be, I tend to jump to conclusions just as any other human being does. It's a matter of whether or not you choose to let that initial judgment cloud your opinion later on.

However, as I begin each new year of my life I cannot help but notice that my first instincts about most individuals are usually correct. That doesn't mean that I am not open to getting to know someone just because their first impression was negative. I've become good friends with people who I didn't like to begin with. But at the same time, a lot of people have let me down because I chose to give them my trust when they did not actually deserve it.


I know this is gonna sound really corny and stuff, but I really have nothing better to do since I have no school to worry about for the next 4 months and hardly anyone to play with for the next month and a half. Looking back on my first year of college, I realized how much positive I have in my life. We all know I'm rather pessimisstic (to say the least). But occasionally I do go through moments of utter inspiration when everything seems okay.

When I left for college last August, I was looking for a new beginning in a new place with new people. I found all that. I found out that it is possible to live in two worlds. School was my escape from the real world. Home was my escape from real life. (I bet that makes no sense to you, but... uhm, tough luck.)

I found that that no matter how much I tried to stifle the past, it kept knocking at my door. So I went through crazy heights of stress and extreme emotion; I was homesick. I was depressed. I was overwhelmed. I was ecstatic. I was confused. I was angry. I was free. No matter what anyone told me, no matter what anyone did, my life was finally my own.

My mom was no longer making sure I did my homework, going to class on time, feeding me. My parents could no longer check up on me to see that I was home by a decent hour, or home before the sun was up. My sisters were no longer five minutes away, making sure I was making the right decisions. Every choice I made was my own.

So I decided to make the effort to go to class when I could have just as easily stayed in bed all day. I decided to do my homework and be prepared when I could be. I decided to be there for the friends I know needed my time more than I did. I decided to take care of myself and get rest when I was sick. I decided to take risks that could hurt me. I decided to call on the people I trusted most when everything around me seemed to go wrong. In the end, each decision made me stronger. And now, I realized that despite the indpendence that I thought I had, the truth is that they were right there with me all along.

I first heard the term unconditional love in elementary school Religion class. I remember it described as the love only God can give. At that time, God to me was a giant old man in heaven, unseen by lowly humans. St. Ignatius taught me differently. He taught me to see God in everything. After my senior year of high school, what keeps me closest to my spirituality is the belief that God is in people.

When you only know one way to live, you take the love of the people around you for granted. But once you experience what you believe to be "completely alone," you realize that you're not.
I tried to push them away, but every time I reached a low point, there they were ready to help me back up.

My family has been my heart since Day 1. They clearly define unconditional love by every act that they've committed throughout my life. Every fight I had with one of them happened to make me a better person. Every punishment was given because they knew I could do better. I worked so hard to get away from them that it surprised me that whenever stress took the best of me, all I needed was a call from one of them to know that everything would be okay. Thank you for being my conscience.

My fake cousins have never failed to try to make me smile. As difficult as it may be, they never gave up. As much as I resisted, they continued to push back until I gave in to their requests of random and ridiculous activity. I have never met a more stubborn group of individuals. A hat can never be a purse, until it reaches the hands of my fake cousins. The longer I stay away from them, the more I realize that no twelve people can appreciate a kodak moment like we can. Thank you for being my strength.

My friends have redefined friendship for me. And, I'm sorry to say, it is incredibly difficult for anyone to measure up. Second semester senior year/summer 2005 (and every person who came and stayed) continues to stand out as the most wonderfully dramatic period (and absolutely fabulous group of individuals) of my life. The most important factor of our friendship was faith, closeness, trust. At every obstacle I had to face throughout my freshmen year, the most simple "I love you" inspired me to keep going. No matter what fight/argument we had, if at the next minute one of us needed a hand to hold, the other was there, no questions asked. They were there to wipe my tears and always be on my side. Thank you for being my inspiration.


Once you give someone your trust, you take a risk of getting hurt. I've been hurt many times, but my conscience, my strength, and my inspiration prove that once in a while, your trust goes to someone great. Each day is a new day, but every time I wake up I know that in doubt, confusion, or frustration, they will hold my hand and help me through the rain.

Thank you for teaching me how to live, and thank you for showing me how to love.