Insomnia is Mental

For the last week, I've been in a period of unrest. I lacked momentum to do anything productive with my life, yet I had the mental motivation that would normally put me on the road to success (however short-lived).

For example, I recently found concrete reason to do well in school again, yet I have not been able to concentrate on my homework for the last week. I wanted to go out, meet people, and have fun on Saturday, but when the time came I decided to go to bed instead. Currently, I am writing this because although I want to to go to sleep, I cannot get myself to shower and get ready for rest.

I spent two hours talking to someone about what could potentially be the culprit wasting my mental energy. But I said everything I can say on that topic, and yet I sit here continuing to wonder why I am awake.

Why do useless things accumulate so much of my time?

So much has changed in the past year. The older we get, the faster change seems to occur. The more I open myself up to experience, the more I absorb.. maybe, the more I am confused. I believe college is the time to figure out who you are, but identity is a fluid concept that changes from day to day, even from hour to hour. In one moment, I am a student dissecting the words of Shakespeare. In another, I am sharing my opinion on the real meaning behind a spoken word performance. In yet another, I am discussing the positive aspects of a focus group. And after all that, I have a smile plastered on my face and luckily an assured voice that masks the chaos running through my head. What is the real purpose of any of this?

I can't slow down, but at the same time I have not moved an inch. Or, more accurately, time won't slow down but I have nothing to show for the last seven days of my life. I wonder if I have been wasting my time, or if taking a step back is what I need to figure out where I want to go.

I think too much.

I talk too much.

And in the process I lose something.. But what?

What makes a person successful? Is it their ability to set a goal for themselves and then reach it? Or is it their ability to take what they are given and work with it as best as they can? Is it doing something? Or is it learning from the experience?

What am I doing with my life? It's 4:10 in the morning, and I am asking unanswerable questions like I'm getting paid to do it.

Beyond Words

Nonage

Learn more at http://www.mynonage.com

Another Decade of Greatness

While most of my Winter Break has been spent lounging in my humble yet comfortable bed, I have been out and about a few times when I found a commitment luring enough to change out of pajamas/sweats.

One such occasion occurred yesterday, Tuesday, January 8, 2008. I woke up thinking it would be another day of Janice Dickenson Modeling Agency followed by Food Network Challenges and movies on HBO. (Hey, I'm not complaining.) However, a text received while I was sleeping informed me that despite the repeated message of a "sold out game," my friend found three tickets floating around San Francisco.

By some miracle, I would be attending the most intensely emotional basketball game, professional, college-level, or otherwise: The Bruce-Mahoney Basketball Tournament between St. Ignatius College Preparatory and Sacred Heart Cathedral Preparatory.

Three years out of high school, my best friend and I have been looking for tickets since December, and I had given up hope of attending until I finally walked through the USF gym doors (after 35 minutes of searching for parking..). The girls had just lost a major defeat, but I knew in my heart that tonight was still our night. As we three alumni climbed the familiar stairs to the upper level of the gym, I felt myself being transported back to high school. No matter how many years have passed since my time at SI, everything is just about the same. The students still show their spirit in the same way: red and blue layered shirts, bright socks, Varsity jackets, jerseys, Senior t-shirts, facepaint. Brother Draper and Ms. Cota still stand in front of the immense crowd of cheering Wildcats, making sure that we keep our cheers classy. Everyone wearing Red and Blue looks relaxed and happy, almost certain of the victory that is coming our way.

A victory it was, as the Cats led the crowd in a magnificent display of every heart-wrenching emotion of a true athletic event. We won 55-52 after starting the game with a disappointing first quarter (23-9 in the second) and never leading the game with more than 6 points. The most important thing was, we won the trophy for a tenth consecutive year. (Basically, the trophy has been in our possession since my oldest sister graduated in 1999.) I kept taking pictures of the scoreboard, knowing that somehow our team would catch up and defeat the "big green." I found myself joining in on as many cheers as I could, yelling and stomping my feet like it was my last year to celebrate.

A part of me wishes I showed as much school spirit in the past, not shying away from the extra facial decorations. But the beauty of SI is that you can always go back. Of course, it is no longer our time. We won't always find friends in the crowd. We won't always have the stamina to stand for a full hour and a half to scream at the top of our lungs. I did feel older than all these Cats; the oldest were freshmen when I graduated. But there is something that pulls you right back in. I am no longer afraid for the future of our school, because now I see us in them. The more years that pass by, the more alumni will join the Ignatian family. When you make that decision afterward to put on red and blue, you can be sure that no one will call you out once you stand on your seat and go crazy with that simple phrase, "We are SI."

So what is it that makes you blend in? The passion for the school, the support for the team, the spirit of our tradition, and the love between all Wildcats that transcends time and generation.

Oooh.. Ahhh.. You wish you were a wildcat.

P.S. I Love You

Dear Friend,

Every time I see you, I remember how much I missed you. The older we get, the faster time seems to fly by. It is not always about having fun. Now it's about getting the job done, living life as a way to get from one happy moment to the next. I can't imagine it changing much after graduation, but I think it's a good sign that we realize it now.

We don't always take the time to savor moments of greatness. We don't always take the time to love the people we love.

Yet, amazingly, when we were together today, time seemed to stop for a little bit and make room for our past in the present. I took it as a sign of fate and true friendship. No matter how much time passed since our last visit, we picked up right where we left off.

Before today I convinced myself that it is possible for friends to change to the point of becoming strangers, unable to remain close. Perhaps I convinced myself that that is what we've become.
Thank you for proving me wrong. No matter how much I thought I changed or grew, we still fit together perfectly.

Within five minutes, I felt the comfort that I've known with you for years. I believe that when it comes to true friendship, you leave a part of yourself with that person and take a part of them with you. This is how we affect change in others and how we grow and become different versions of ourselves. Although I thought I knew my present self, today I found a piece of me that I didn't realize I was missing.

At one point in my life, you taught me something new, showed me something I didn't know, shared with me something that changed me, helped me discover a "me" unknown to anyone else but us.

Because of this, days, weeks, months that came between our visits, but you were with me all along.

You will always be a part of me. And if I ever stray, if you ever worry that time will erase what was special to us, just remember that you still have a part of me too.

Yours,
Catherine

P.S. I love you.

Finding Inspiration Right Back Where I Started From

Photo Credit: Tracy K. Lee

NOTE: This entry is an edited version of a previous post I made this summer, based on a few more chance encounters with fellow SI alumni.




In terms of crazy adventures and late nights out, this summer was mediocre at best. By way of learning and discovering, this summer tops the charts.

If I could do it again, I would make no hesitation to start from Day 1. My four years at SI were the best four years of my life. Unfortunately, like most great things, I only recognized the fact in hindsight.

If I could... I would be involved in the campus community from the beginning. I would talk to people in my classes and form actual friendships. I would go to class each day and bask in learning from some of the most inspirational teachers in the world. I would go to FML every week from the start. I would allow myself to face social justice issues. I would put my talent to good use in the community. I would cheer on our Wildcats at as many sporting events as possible. If I could...

I read the blog of a friend's friend who recently walked the halls of SI as a visitor. She said that she finally understood the reason why two alumni she knew were so passionate about their high school. "It's beautiful. You can see the ocean. I want to send my kids here." And I realize that no visitor will ever understand. The beauty of our campus is a distant second to the lasting experience each graduate endures through their time at SI.

Today I visited our campus once more and found myself drawn in yet again. Every time I go back, I know for sure that it is where I want to be.

This summer I've run into so many '05 alumni. Some best friends. Some I had short-term bonds with. Some I hardly even talked to while at SI. Yet every time it happens, we stop and have a conversation that goes beyond the "so... college" awkwardness. They have long-term goals. They are going abroad for significant periods of time. They casually mention grad school. They are doing something with their lives.

It really comes as no surprise as so many SI alumni before us have become successful in all factions of life: from Broadway to Wall Street, television to fashion, teachers to lawyers. I'm sure several high schools can say that about their alumni. Yet SI still has something more.

Students, teachers, administration, and alumni search for more. They are successful because they actively listen to their calling and work passionately toward something greater than themselves. They act in order to fulfill their purpose. Purpose comes first. Recognition last.

Then it hit me..

"We are SI." We've said it thousands of times. It was the theme of one of our yearbooks (2001-02). But it finally makes sense to me. When you get SI, you find it in you and in others who get it too.

We are SI. And I thank you for showing me that my time has not yet run out. :)

Learning to Live For Something Greater

If I could do it again, I would make no hesitation to start from Day 1. My four years at SI were the best four years of my life. Unfortunately, like most great things, you only recognize the fact in hindsight.

If I could... I would be involved in the campus community from the beginning. I would talk to people in my classes and form actual friendships. I would go to class each day and bask in learning from some of the most inspirational teachers in the world. I would go to FML every week from the start. I would participate in the facing of social justice issues. I would put my talent to good use in the community. I would cheer on our Wildcats at as many sporting events as possible. If I could...

This summer I've run into so many '05 alumni. Some best friends. Some I had short-term bonds with. Some I hardly even talked to while at SI. Yet every time it happens, we stop and have a conversation that goes beyond the "so... college" awkwardness. They have long-term goals. They are going abroad for significant periods of time. They casually mention grad school. They are doing something with their lives.

It really comes as no surprise as so many SI alumni before us have become successful in all factions of life: from Broadway to Wall Street, television to fashion, teachers to lawyers. I'm sure several high schools can say that about their alumni. Yet SI still has something more.

Students, teachers, administration, and alumni search for more. They are successful because they actively listen to their calling and work passionately toward something greater than themselves. They act in order to fulfill their purpose. Purpose comes first. Recognition last.

If I could offer advice for any current SI student, it would be this: Go to Friday Morning Liturgy. Immerse yourself on retreat. Attend school dances, no matter how lame the theme or the fact that visitors aren't welcome. Listen to the announcements. Participate in events. Listen to your teachers. Learn. Attend theatre productions and games. Don't ever miss the Bruce Mahoney. Be friends with as many people as possible. Get to know the strangers that walk down the hall. Educate yourself on the ideals of the Jesuit philosophy. Go on immersion. Go on Thursday Morning Comfort Runs. Stay on campus until the buildings close. Wear red and blue. Make every day count. LOVE SI, because before you know it you're out of there.

Nearly every alum will gladly switch places with you. Live up to the greats before you. Don't leave the halls empty when you're gone.